the adorable smudgie

UCK part II #17

2012-01-02T12:30:00.001-08:00

In the Global Communication Centre, Jack is examining priceless artefacts from UCK.
“What is this?” he asks.
“That is a spectro- bio mass electronic psychic evaluator,” we say. “It is used for evaluating psychic strata of new disciples of UCK.”
“Really?” says Jack. “Because it looks like a car battery and jumper cables to me.”
We roll our eyes. “You only think that because you is not trained in use of sophisticated bio-mass electronic psychic evaluation techniques.”
“I think that because it says ‘car battery’ on its side.”
We quickly pull blanket over spectro- bio mass electronic psychic evaluator. Jack is in Stage 1 of hysteria. When he gets to Stage 5, we need to get a defibrillator.

Jack look for other artefacts. “What are these?” he says holding up loop of precious UCK spiritual bracelet.
“That is a UCK spiritual bracelet which draws cosmic waves of positive ions across the universe. It made from mystical space material.”

Jack stares at it.

“THIS IS MADE OUT OF CAT HAIR! This is made out of YOUR cat hair!” he shouts and jumps up and down.

“Shall I slap him?” says Bella.
Ruby says no; lets be kind. She motions for Jack to come closer. We is in a circle, nearly touching heads.
“Are you ready ….. ” Ruby whispers to Jack, “to come inside?”
Jack’s eyes roll around the Global Communications Centre. “I am inside.” Jack says.

“No,” says Ruby in a whisper. “Are you ready to come.... INSIDE?”
We nod knowingly at Jack who just stares at us.

“We teach you secret sign,” whispers Smudgie.
In unison, Ruby, Bella and Smudgie each tap their ear once, lift their front leg twice, rub their tummies three times and swish their tail.

“Jack,” says Bella, “thousands of years ago, Grand Unifying Poohbar Kitteh arrive on Earth in big spaceship. He see that humans start to emerge from primordial swamp and already it was clear they were big trouble and had no dress sense.”

“So,” says Smudgie, “Poohbar address Kittehs – ‘Call me Ishmael!’ "

Jack says, “wait a minute – isn’t that the opening of Mo -“

“CALL ME ISHMAEL!” Smudgie continue despite rude interruption. “And he gave great speech to ancient Kittehs.”
“A great speech?” Jack says.
“Yes,” we say.
“What was –“
Ruby produces folder and holds it up.
“That’s the speech?” Jack says although he not sound very impressed.
“The GREAT Speech,” Bella says.
“Can I see it?“
“You can only see the Great Speech of Ishmael, Grand Unifying Poohbar Kitteh once you has ascended to top UCK evaluation level.” Ruby says.

“Ascended?” Jack looks very sceptical – like the time we said there was a Golden Ticket inside a random tin of tuna and he should buy all tuna at local supermarkets.

Ruby explains very patiently. “There be five levels of ascension for humans. Toidi, Norom, Elicebmi, Niterc and Poopmocnin.”
“And how do you –“
“We use spectro- bio mass electronic psychic evaluator after candidate has achieved ascension after evaluation course.”
“Which you run?” says Jack.
“Yes.”
“Out of the goodness of your hearts?”
“Yes.”
Jack folds his arms and waits.
“And twenty-five thousand dollars,” we say quietly.
Jack gives a strangled cry and slaps his hand over his eyes. He is now in Stage 2 hyusteria. We hope he does not go to Stage 5 as not sure spectro- bio mass electronic psychic evaluator is fully charged.

“What sort of dopey creature,” Jack says “would be so gullible, so idiotic, so half-witted, so vacuous –“
We show him list of twenty-seven people who emailed us about attending course and fifty-five who want to buy bracelet.

They is all from a place called Beverley Hills.

Jack steps back. “You need to stop this now,” he says at about Stage 3 Hysteria level. “Have you any idea how much trouble you could get into?”
Silence.
There is something we have not told him and evidently he has not worked out for himself.
“Umm. The thing is ... WE won’t get into trouble,” Bella says.
“You won’t get into trouble?!” Jack says.
We three shake our heads in unison.
“And when the police, the tax people, the local council, the lawyers all turn up, why do you think YOU won’t be in trouble?”
Ruby beckons Jack closer. We nearly touching heads again. And then she explains the obvious.
“Jack,” she says quietly. “We is cats.”
“They won’t arrest cats,” Bella says calmly as if explaining that Africa is a continent, not a country for the seventh time to S Palin.
“Well, who WILL get into trouble?” Jack says.
Silence.
We wonder if penny will drop. This moment is like when dinosaurs look up in the sky and wonder what that ball of fire is that be streaking towards them.

We look sideways at each other but don’t say anything. We give him few more minutes or hours or days of blissful ignorance.

Jack shakes his head and leaves Global Communication Centre and trudges across garden to kitchen door.

Ruby and Bella re-organise ancient UCK technology but Smudgie scramble to window and watch Jack walking away.

“When do you think he will figure it out?” Bella asks Ruby.
Smudgie sees Jack suddenly stop in garden and stand frozen. Jack stands still for several seconds.

Then he faints.

“He just did,” Smudgie calls out.

The United Church of Kittehology #16

2011-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

One day when Jack was out Bella, Ruby and Smudgie had a meeting. Jack has explained the concept of ‘money’ to us and it both fascinates and disturbs us.

Kittehs have basic needs – food, water, shelter and safety. This is what most humans spend their lives accumulating money for, why they are so stressed and why some of them end up standing on a roof, naked and screaming at airplanes.

We ask Jack, why don’t humans just look after each other? This causes Jack to hoot, ‘yes and then we can all sprout wings and fly to the moon’. Then he flaps his arms, makes sound like seagull and goes upstairs.

We think he may be working too hard.

In our meeting we discuss money making plan. We realise that we are dependent on Jack making 'money' for us to remain in the lifestyle we has become accustomed to. While Kittehs are content with the thought of humans BRINGING us things - we do not generally think of ourselves RELYING on them. As Bella points out, if we has to RELY on a human who has trouble every morning finding matching socks - we may have to become more self-reliant.

Bella points out that Jack, in his demented way, is right about one thing – you cannot make money based on human intelligence, altruism or taste. There are more humans who shouldn’t be allowed money than all the humans who shouldn’t be allowed cars, drink, children, leather pants and guns put together.

We know there is study material about how to create wealth. We look up Warren Buffet, Anthony Robbins, Wall Street Journal, Business Week etc. etc. etc. but in the end decide on watching Jack’s DVD collection of Sgt Bilko.

Three Days Later.

Saturday morning we are busy in our Global Communication Centre which was previously referred to as ‘Garden Shed’. We hear Jack calling out our names more and more frantically. We peek out of the little window and see him walking towards us with very serious expression and holding pamphlet in his hand. He seems blurry. For a minute we rub our eyes until we realise every part of him is shaking.

“Quick” says Bella – don’t let him in. We hurry outside and act nonchalant, leaning against GCC; chewing grass, examining our nails and flicking through copy of Scientific American.

Jack comes towards us – CLUMP – CLUMP – CLUMP. Blood has drained from his face.

“Do you know who just rang our door bell?” he says, trying to keep calm.

“Wait”, says Bella as she puts her paws up to the sides of her head. “I’ll just use my psychic powers”. Unfortunately irony lost on Jack.

“I’ll tell you who it was -”. And then he names a famous movie star.

We look at each other.

“Why did they call here?” Smudgie asks innocently.

“WHY?” says Jack. “WHY? I’ll tell you why! They were looking for an institution called – and he look at pamphlet – ‘The United Church of Kittehology’ “.

Jack stares at us.

“Hmmmmm.” we say, scratching our chins and looking thoughtful. “Wherever could that be?”

“It comes”, says Jack “from the Global Communication Cen –“

And then he stops. And stares at the garden shed.

“What were you doing in there?” he asks (a little impertinently if you ask me).

“Is our club house”, Smudgie says.

“Your club house?”

“Yes”, says Bella. “We wanted a place to hang out where we wouldn’t disturb you”.

“Yes”, says Ruby “we didn’t want to keep asking you if we could use your things”.

We realise afterwards that this was the wrong thing to say. We has NEVER asked Jack if we could use his things. In fact we consider everything OUR things which we let him use occasionally. He bought a laptop two weeks ago and when Smudgie said “Oh. You’ve bought me a laptop,” we had a difficult conversation about whether he had bought it to write his screenplay or so we could look up recipes for club sandwich using three layers of tuna.

Jack wanted to enter our ‘club house’. We protested that he was not a member and would have to go on two year waiting list or grow some fur. But despite our reasoned arguments, a few seconds later Jack and we are standing in the heart of the Global Communication Centre of the United Church of Kittehology.

Jack looks around him and then reads from pamphlet.

“The United Church of Kittehology –“ he begins.

“UCK” we chorus “for short.”

“- is an ancient order stretching back to the mysterious dawn of time -”

“Yes,” we say.

“How old is it, exactly?” Jack asks.

Smudgie frown and count on her claws v-e-r-y carefully.

“Three days.”

Jack closes his eyes and sways a little. He decides to struggle on while he can still process oxygen. He looks at pamphlet again and quotes from it.

" 'And the multi-layered, linear and non-linear history of Kittehology; the interconnecting rules of ethics, culture, cosmic development, physics and bio-technology; the spiritual multi-dimensional growth that has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years.' How did you find out all this information?"

We look at each other in silence. The breeze is gently rustling through the trees. Birdies are chirping far off. Tufts of dandelion float through the air and the dappled sunlight.

"We made it up." Smudgie says.

“Oh. My.God.” says Jack, “We are in SO much trouble.”

to be continued -

U Can't Nom This #15

2011-06-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

My my my my music hits me - like that
Makes me say, “ceiling cat”
Thank you for giving me
The fur and purrs and claws and teeth
It feels good - when you know you’re grand
A super bright kitteh from the cheezeland
Where I’m known - as from
And this is a treat, uh you can’t nom

I told you, goggie (u can’t nom this)
Yeah, this is how we’re purring and you know -(u can’t nom this)
Look at my fur, man (u can’t nom this)
Yo, let me break the kitteh lyrics (u can’t nom this)

Fresh new beef - and spam
You gotta give me meat, you gotta give me ham
So drain - all of that grease
And get a flame whirl and grill that cheeze
While it’s purring - hold on
Stretch a little bit and let ‘em know they’re going wrong
Like so, Like so
Use kitteh vision you’re clear to go
Let them know – that you’re too strong
And this is a treat, uh, you can’t nom

Yo I told you (u can’t nom this)
Why you standing there, dog? (u can’t nom this)
Yo, sound the bell, school is in, doggie (u can’t nom this)

Give me a nom - or kibble
Make it sweet, don’t make me dribble
Now - they see
You talking about the Smudgie, you talking about me
That’s right - and fly
Bella and Ruby are both standing by
We’re a pack - it’s true
What’s it gonna take to indoctrinate you?
Human? Oh man
Either leave now or you get with the plan

That’s LoL because you know -

U can’t nom this

Break it down!

Stop - Smudgie Time!

Go with the cats - through the fog
And if you can’t move with us then you’re probably a dog
So wave - your tail in a whirl
Jump a few chairs, run your paws through your fur
This is it - Kitteh Winner
Nom like me, now where’s my dinner?
Move, slide, you lump
Just for a minute, lets all Smudgie Bump – bump bump bump

Stop - Smudgie Time!

Every time you feed me
The Smudgie’s just so pleased
I’m swish with the fish and I’m magic with the cheeze
Now why would I ever stop eating noms?
With others making dinner with no aplomb
I’ve been around the house, inspected every nail
It’s “Smudgie, go Smudgie, MC Smudgie, yo Smudgie”
And the rest can kiss my tail

U can’t nom this...

See Jack Run #14

2011-06-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Ruby, Bella and I have had a meeting about Jack. We are concerned about his health. He is overweight and diabetic (type II) and his attempts at exercise have been based on changing the batteries for the remote control. After months of debating, he finally bought running shoes but so far has not used them. Bella is concerned because she says he could ‘go at any minute’ and if that happens who will feed us? Bella wants to start hoarding food cans and buy electric can opener.

We has seen many programmes on day time TV about what happens to humans when they let themselves go. One programme showed a Boeing 747 struggling to take off before we realised it was a family from Mississippi walking single file on their way to an all you can eat Chinese food bar.

So we has formed Team Jack. I am Inspiration Coach, Ruby is Nutrition Coach and Bella is Fitness Coach.

First we ask Jack to weigh himself. We think human must weigh about three times the weight of kitteh. When Jack weighed in we thought he must have bought scale for weighing circus animals by mistake. He said, no. It was regular scale at which point Smudgie fainted. I had seen Carl Sagan documentary and knew there were stellar objects so dense that they cannot emit light but never thought I would see one in my bathroom in boxer shorts and American Eagle T shirt.

We made Jack buy blood glucose monitor and check his blood sugar. He very reluctant to prick himself to get blood so Bella help him out. She kept helping him out him even when he had enough blood and kept shouting out for his friend, Mr “Jesus H Christ” who strangely we has never met.

We make him take diabetic pills at right time every day. Why do humans find this so hard? It be like asking for explanation of electromagnetic interaction from drunk porcupine.

Ruby says Jack must eat better. Jack’s staple diet is sandwiches which he makes every 10 minutes while watching TV. Ruby says he should eat salad or vegetables every day and has to explain to Jack that he has to eat healthy food INSTEAD of bad food – NOT as well as.

Smudgie tell Jack to find a goal he will look forward to achieving and no, having pasta as a starter AND a main course does not count. Smudgie find Jack cannot get into 70% of his clothes. The clothes too small for him are much better than the more recent clothes he buys. Interesting fact about humans is that when they go overweight, many don’t think they deserve ‘good’ clothes and buy ‘temporary’ clothes they think they will stop wearing when they lose weight. Compare this to kittehs who ALWAYS think they deserve the best. Always. Smudgie picks out Calvin Klein suit which Jack can only get an arm into and tells him that his goal is to wear this.

Bella plan out exercise regime for Jack. We has to scale this down and explain to Bella, Jack’s ambition is to lose weight, not pass Navy SEALs induction programme. Bella rolls her eyes and agrees to cancel live ammo trials.

Bella make Jack put exercise clothes on and takes him out of front door. She points to where she wants him to walk to. Jack asks for binoculars and the number of a cab company. She gives him dirty look. Jack will start out by mainly walking and eventually doing very short runs. Ruby goes through food cupboards. Jack takes biscuits, crisps etc. and arranges them carefully in cardboard box. Bella waits for Jack to leave room and then throws box into bin outside.

Smudgie tell Jack when he tempted to eat something bad he must say to himself, ‘this is where I go wrong’ and not do bad thing.

Smudgie tell Jack we want him around in good health for a long time. Bella says yes because electric can opener so ^%$£(*&+ expensive.

A message from our sponsor (me)

2011-03-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

Ohai - If you like this blog - please to consider signing on as follower. It helps me get the computer away from Jack and his never-ending screenplay.

I Still Hasn't Found Who You're Cooking For #13

2011-03-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

I smell cheeze in the oven
I see meat in the fridge
Onions and beefy stew
Onions and beefy stew

I has run, I has strolled
I has scaled your curtain poles
Your curtain poles
Onions and beefy stew

But I still hasn't found
Who you’re cooking for
But I still hasn't found
Who you’re cooking for

I see crisps. I see dips
I see lemons with no pips
The dish on the fire
The sauce, Worcestershire

I’ve had cakes from the angels
I’ve held the eggs of the devil
They were three minute eggs
They were cold as a stone

But I still hasn't found
Who you’re cooking for
But I still hasn’t found
Who you’re cooking for

I believe in the Kitteh Come
Then all the tuna will leap into one
Leap into one
But yes, I'm still nomming

You cooked the fish
And you cut the ham
Now where’s my dinner
You stoopy man?
Stoopy Man -you know I’m still waiting

But I still haven't found
Who you’re cooking for
But I still haven't found
Who you’re cooking for

But I still hasn't found
Who you’re cooking for
But I still hasn't found
Who you’re cooking for

Jack #12

2011-03-09T13:59:00.001-08:00

Just before Christmas we think Jack was what humans called ‘depressed’.

Our first clue was when he come home from shopping and we find him lying on kitchen floor surrounded by bags of groceries, clutching bottle of tequila and staring at ceiling.

Smudgie, Bella and Ruby stand over him

“What be the matter, Jack?” Smudgie ask him.

“Did you get tuna?” Bella asks. “In spring water?”

“My life,” say Jack weakly “is one long deep black hole of misery, despair and futility.”

We all look at each other as Jack takes drink from Tequila bottle without getting up.

Pause.

“In SPRING water,” Bella repeats.

“Life is a meaningless charade of nothingness. “ Jack mumbles.

Pause.

“Because I can’t eat the tuna in the olive oil.” Bella says.

Ruby gives Bella a dirty look.

“Well, I can’t,” say Bella truculently, shrugging shoulders.

We know Jack not happy with temp job. Partly because it be depressing company; partly because Jack say company resembles island of Doctor Moreau (HG Wells story of island full of misshapen genetic experiments gone wrong) and partly because of Office Psycho. Office Psycho be phenomenon humans have in ‘offices’ where they go to ‘work’ and pretend they can stand each other for eight hours.

‘Work’ sound awful to Smudgie. You do not even have naps during it unless you go to ‘meetings’ where humans sleep with eyes open while someone uses something called Powerpoint to send co-workers into catatonic trance. It be something that gives water-boarding a bad name. Jack say, OP is usually what clinical psychologist refer to as ‘nutjob’. They drag all their self-loathing to work and make everyone else suffer just because when they were eight they were mistaken for fire hydrant.

Owner of company offer Jack permanent job in charge of office including OP. We ask him if this is a good thing. He say it may be good thing compared to running head first through a plate glass window but otherwise, no.

Owner say – we have problem with OP. What would you do with them if you Manager? Jack say, can I throw OP out of window and into passing cement mixer? Owner think about this and say no can do because conflicts with Health and Safety.

“What be the problem? Exactly?” Ruby asks Jack.

Jack says he has to choose between taking job he hates to pay bills in the hopes that his abject misery will one day be relieved by the sweet relief of a giant flaming comet screaming towards the earth. Or he can say no and will have to leave so the company can hire permanent manager. This means he out of job and no money coming in.

Smudgie, Bella and Ruby look at each other.

“We go discuss this, Jack,” Ruby says and we walk off. Bella comes back to him to say, “just wait here.”

We debate what Jack should do. One one hand if he cannot find ‘job’ quickly we is all in trouble. We may have to ration tuna and give up ADTIW model(“Any Damn Time I Want”). On other hand although we has seen Jack in all kinds of moods we has never seen him ready to give up.

And that makes us three feel uncomfortable.

“You be considering putting HUMAN needs before ours?” Bella says, incredulous.

It IS a radical concept and not exactly one a self-respecting Kitteh would admit to.

“You know,” says Smudgie. “In all the time I known Jack – I’ve never known him to do one mean thing.”

Ruby says, “Even when we sleep on his interview suit.”

“When we lived in old house,” Smudgie says “and guard dog from neighbour back Smudgie up against the garage – Jack picked up big dog, marched round to neighbour and tried to post dog through their letter box.” We all giggle at this.

We look at Bella who rolls her eyes.

A few minutes later, we go back to Jack, still lying on floor.

Bella sits on his chest.

“We has discussed your situation,” Bella says. Bella looks at us and back at Jack.

“If you has a choice between being optimistic and pessimistic -” Bella sighs and rolls her eyes. “You should choose to be optimistic.”

“What?” says Jack.

“Leave,” Smudgie says. “Just leave.”

Two days later Jack at home at nine in the morning in front of computer with pad and pen and telephone. We three has given up precious nap time to sit with him as he calls company after company after company after company for job.

Jack found company who were intrigued by his background and that he is what humans call ‘proactive’. He started new temp job in January with normal people and so far it going well.

Jack says it is a good lesson – to choose optimism over pessimism when you have a choice.

Bella thinks it good to have things back to normal. When she think about time we put human first, she has to go lie down with paws over her head.

Smells Like Teen Smudgie #11

2010-09-25T10:26:00.002-07:00

Load up on noms

Bring cheezefrends
Is fun to share the pizza ends
She’s overcome and full of fur
I know that ‘moults’ a dirty word

Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow -

There’s no cheddar; that’s outrageous!
I like edam; it’s audacious!
Stoopy hoomans and their faces!
They should bring us some crustaceans!

A gelato. Some chorizo
Cheezyburger and Doritos
YAY!

Bella’s here and Ruby too
And Smudge and Jack complete our crew
There’s him and her and her and me
But we’re best as a family

Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow -

Where’s my toona? It’s endangered!
Here we are now. We’re loquacious!
Stoopy humans; they defame us!
Here we are now! Smudgie’s famous!

A gelato. Some Chorizo
Cheezyburger and Doritos
Yay!

And don’t forget why kitteh’s best
We beat the hoomans’ every test
Though Usain Bolt is fast and fleet
We overtake him, drinking tea

Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow me-ow
Meow meow meow –

With the lights out, we’re more dangerous!
Here we are now. Satiate us!
Stoopy Humans. You’re fallacious!
You disgust us. You’re mendacious!

A gelato. Some Chorizo.
Cheezyburger and Doritos

You’ve no style!
You’ve no style!
You’ve no style!
You’ve no style!

Nom Nom Nom #10

2010-09-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

As part of investigation about what it means to be human, I research spiritual journey humans always going on. But how to put kitteh in intellectual mindset of human? Is well known kittehs are sophisticated, elegant, intelligent, sincere, dignified etc. etc. etc. whereas humans still wear tie with plaid shirts.

I ask Jack what I should do to become more spiritual. “Well”, he says “you could help other people less well off than you. Take an interest in different social and political issues. That would be a good way to put your life in perspective.”

I think about this carefully and decides to ignore him. I is feeling human already.

I explore the meaning of ‘me’ through noms. I take each lick of dolphin friendly tuna and think about the deep, wonderful mystery of being me. I soon get through tin of tuna but do not feels I have connected with my me-ness. This will take more noms and I sends Jack to the supermarket for more spiritual sustenance in form of tuna, herring, mackerel, cod, baked ham, smoked ham, roast beef, pilchards, sardines etc. etc. etc.

Ruby and Bella hear this and tell Jack THEY is on spiritual journey too which require smoked salmon as they is attaining higher level of spirituality. Jack not very impressed. He say they will have to settle with tuna level of consciousness before advancing to salmon level of consciousness. All this shopping means HE will have to stay on meatloaf level of consciousness until the end of the month.

Next, I find spiritual teacher of karmic release and the channelling of chakra alignments. I ask him what he did before he become spiritual counsellor. He say he was furniture upholsterer in Mumbai.

I tells him I is in a sea of spiritual restlessness trying to reach the centre of me. I must explore the meaning of being me and my me-ness.

“You is too close”, Swami says with the tears in his eyes.

“Aha,” I says. “You mean I is too close to the problem of not having enough time to think about my oneness and the holistic experience of being me. I must find a centre within myself to experience my inner spirit and the outer me and the inner me?“

“No," says Human Swami “I mean you are standing on my foot”.

“Ah, I am standing on the foot of the journey of spiritual enlightenment and must move up the leg of inner knowningness to the lap of contemplation.”

“No,” say swami. “You standing on my &^%$(+£ bunion! Get off me!”

I leave Swami hopping on his foot. He be crying he going back to upholstery so won’t have to deal with self-centered &^%$(*# loons.

Smudgie travels across ten gardens to sit under apple tree and meditate. I achieves trance state and receive spiritual messages from cosmos; “be who you are by being the who of you and the you of who”, one says. “Ask the question without answer to answer the question of the unanswered question,” says another. “Buy AT&T at $12.40,” says another.

A male tabby cat approaches Smudgie. “What you doing in my garden, little pussy cat?” I tells him I is on a journey of self discovery. “If you is on journey of self-macrame, you must comes with me into shed.” I don’t want to go into shed with tabby. Tabby advances on Smudgie and I REALLY start thinking about me.

Tabby takes another step. “I be removing your small problems away from you, little kitteh,” says tabby, like Sheer Khan in Jungle Book.

We hear rustling above us. Bella abseils into garden. She holding stiletto in her teeth and martial arts flying stars. She not be happy.

“Take another step and I be removing your small intestine away from you,” she says to tabby.

Tabby starts to say something and Bella throws metal star, removing 5 mm fur from top of Tabby’s head before sticking in tree behind him. Tabby faints. Bella removes star from tree and steps over tabby.

“Lets go home," Bella says “I thinks we has all had enough of this nonsense.”

I gets home. I have finished acting like human. Smudgie did not like experience at all. I almost contemplate taking a shower. Jack pours me fresh water and warm noms and puts fluffy, laundered blanket on my favourite sofa.

“You know, Smudgie,” he says. “My Daddy told me once, ‘in life - there are things that matter and things that don’t. The trick is to know which is which while you still have them’. Maybe that’s where you could start on a spiritual journey.”

I thinks about this as Smudgie dozes off after long day. I decides not all humans as stoopy as they look.

Smudgie Sings The Great American Songbook # 9

2010-09-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

And now my plate is clear

And so I face an hour fasting
Cheezefrends, I meow it here
My need for noms is everlasting

I’ve nommed a life that’s full
I’ve gobbled each and every pie made
But more - much more than this -
I nommed it my way

Regrets; I’ve had a few
Just like that meal of day old bacon
And then - that Irish stew
The pasta bake best left forsaken

I’ve planned each small repaste
Each careful nip of noms in my tray
But more - much more than this
I nommed it my way

Yes, there were times
I came unglued
When I nommed off more than I could chew
Those fourteen pounds of rainbow trout
I nommed it up and barfed it out
Though I be small - my tail is tall
I nommed it my way

Cold ham - both smoked and baked
And turkey steak in low fat portions
And spam upon my plate with cod and skate
I ate with caution

To think Smudge did all that
And is not fat but still a lightweight
Oh no - oh no, not me
I nommed it my way

For what is a cat; what has she got?
No tuna steak, then she has not
To nom the meals she truly feels
And not a plate of jellied eels
The record’s clear; I don't do beer

But nom it my way

Yes - I nommed it my way

13 Days (Part II) # 8

2010-05-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

General Curtis Le May Cat (GCLMC) not happy about Jack becoming Commander In Chief. Bella says privately to Smudgie and Ruby it be like giving command of tactical strike force to an ostrich. But when another kitteh criticize Jack, Bella swipe at him and says ‘that be MY human, buddy’. She not so bad really.

We orders EXCOMM meeting to review options.

“ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK” SAYS GCLMC.

“I is going to say what no one wants to say,” says Adelaide cat. “We should try and negotiate –“
“WITH GOGGIES?!!!” says GCLMC.
“Yes,” says Adelaide.

GCLMC so apoplectic, he almost levitating off ground.

The ONLY thing to do is air strike says GCLMC.
If we has air strike – will we get ALL goggie missiles? asks Jack.
GCLMC almost foaming at mouth so General Maxwell Taylor Cat answers, no. We cannot guarantee we gets all goggie missiles.
Big arguments about airstrikes and negotiations break out.

What about blockade? Jack says.

Whole room falls silent.

GCLMC starts to crawl across table, inch by inch, to attack Jack but is held back by others.

MISTER CIC, GCLMC says, when he calm down; that be very LIBERAL approach. But not quite what military meant by bombing goggies back into Stone Age.

McNamara cat says, we cannot call it blockade. This be military term. We must call it ‘quarantine’.

Jack sends Adelaide cat to meeting at United Nanimals. He also send Ruby to private meeting with Goggie Ambassador Dobermanrynin. Jack orders Kittehs to takes up quarantine line position in front of Kittehland.

At United Nanimals – Security Council assemble; goggies, kittehs, firefoxes, squirrels etc. etc. Adelaide cat puts up pictures of goggie installations and asks Goggie ambassador, Zoringog if Goggies has put missiles in striking distance of Kittehland.

“DON’T WAITS FOR THE %$£*&+# TRANSLATION, YOU SLIPPER EATING, SALIVA DROOLING GOGGIE! ANSWER YES OR NO!”

Ambassador Zoringog says “you will get your answer in due course, kitteh cat.” Adelaide cat say, “I is waiting until Hell freezes over to get my answer.”

The next day, we gets letter from Chairman Khruschgog. It be emotional and blubbery and say goggies only want peace.

Then we gets call from the quarantine line in the field. A line of goggies is approaching Kittehland.

Goggies approach quarantine line. Bella sits alone and meets four big goggies at quarantine line. Goggies carry suspicious cloth bundles. Bella tells them they cannot proceed any further.

Goggies look at Bella sitting by herself. “We be here and we be ready,” says head goggie and they take a step closer.

A hundred kittehs appear from trees, fences, gardens, sheds, roofs, tall grass and shrubs. They crouch in front of startled goggies or wait in nearby trees. Some kittehs who may have been watching too much TV are wearing headbands and carrying bows and arrows.

“We be here,” says Bella “and we be hungry.”

At base – Kittehland is placed on KITCON 2 alert.

We gets strange second letter from Khruschgog. This time it be more forceful and states demands about changing the borders of Kittehland. We has EXCOMM meeting to discuss second letter. Ruby says, we should just respond to first letter and ignore second. We starts to compose letter.

GCLM cat presents his proposed diplomatic response on behalf of Kitteh Airforce which start ‘Dear smelly, evil goggie. We has received your half-witted proposals…”

We decides not to use it.

Back in the field, the four goggies has now been joined by eight more goggies. They has retreated a few yards and huddle together. We thinks they is waiting for orders. Some of the younger kittehs form a line and show their (ahem) rear quarters at the goggies.

Goggies starts to growl and show their teeth. Kittehs starts to hiss. Bella tells excitable kittehs to stop but worries that confrontation may escalates. She orders half the kittehs to take positions on high ground.

Ruby negotiate with Ambassador Dobermanrynin again and presents response. We offers to send goggies some turkeys at Christmas but it not be official policy. Ambassador rushes back to convey message.

EXCOMM still arguing about Kitteh First Strike. Ruby says it not be in the spirit of Kittehland to launch First Strike. Kitteh Air Force thinks we should strike without delay. Jack says we should stay with quarantine. This causes muttering amongst Kitteh Air Force Generals and half of Joint Kittehs of Staff.

Smudgie knows that some more conservative kittehs thinks we do not have a handle on our human and we has given him too much leeway (there be rumours we allows him to read the New Yorker and watch the Daily Show).

Back in field – the twelve googies receive call from their base. They all rise.

Bella orders kittehs to be ready.

Head goggie steps forwards and walks up to Bella. Kittehs arch their backs and prepare to jump.

Goggie says, “well, goodbye, Comrade Kitteh. We is going home to our families. I hopes you do the same”.

Bella says goodbye to Goggies and they turn and walk away into the bushes and begin their journey home.

I think goggies just blinked, Bella says.

Chairman Khrushgog announces immediate dismantling of missile installation and says it was always their plan to do so.

Crisis is overs.

Back at base, kittehs celebrate ending of hostilities. Jack has bought jumbo peanuts for himself. EXCOMM breaks up and kittehs go home for noms, extended naps and to hug their loved ones - in that order.

Bella comes home and Jack opens tuna for each of us.

We go outside for a while and look at the stars and listen to the quiet of Kittehland. We all be glad we be home. Jack says it be time for bed and a long lie in the next morning.

So Jack locks up house and turns off lights. Bella, Ruby and me follow him up the stairs and we all goes to bed.

Quickly. Quickly and slowly.

13 Days (Part I) # 7

2010-01-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

Smudgie finally have permission to tell of events that happen in October. These now partially de-classified as previously thought to be too scarifying to tell.

One Saturday we had the biggest meeting EVER.

Smudgie given job of waking Jack up and bringing him downstairs without alarming him.

“Jack,” Smudgie says, ‘You have to come downstairs. We have ExCom meeting.”
“What?” mumbles Jack from under duvet.
“There be something very serious happening. Kitchen is full of meta cats”.

Jack turns over and mumbles something about pancakes. Smudgie waits patiently for human brain to slowly grasps situation after period spent dreaming about pancakes and syrup and strawberry jam and fresh coffee.

Sure enough after a minute, Jack suddenly sits up very startled.

“There’s what in my what now?!” says Jack.
“Cats,” Smudgie says pushing bathrobe to Jack.
“How many cats?” Jack asks, alarmed.
Smudgie thinks how to break this to him gently.
“More than two,” Smudgie says.

Pause.

“How many exactly?” says Jack.
“Forty-seven.”

Ten minutes later, Smudgie leads Jack downstairs to kitchen. There be forty seven meta cats seated around the table, window sills, kitchen counters in concentric semi-circles around Bella.

“Well, good MORNING,” says Bella to Jack. “We is SO glad you could join us. Everything ALRIGHT for you?”
“Well, actually - ” says Jack tentatively, “I would like to know how all these - ”
“Good, good,” says Bella. “Now lets get on.”

Bella gets pointer stick and taps at easel set up in kitchen where all can see. Waits for silence to fall across room. Jack pours out orange juice - glug glug glug - until he notices 47 kittehs looking at him with narrowed eyes. He stop pouring, says sorry and puts OJ down very carefully. Jack sits quietly in corner at kitchen counter trying to make sense of it all and somehow still wondering about pancakes. Smudgie sit next to him to give moral support.

“As you know,” Bella continues “there be many Goggies (dogs) in the surrounding neighbourhood. Historically, we has managed to maintain status quo between two sides. Goggies and Kittehs develop separately over the years. We Kittehs has developed culture, art, philosophy, political debate, a system of bi-cameral democratic processes and in same period, Goggies has learned how to use their genitalia as banjos.”

Nods all around.

“Now we has discovered THIS -”

Bella nods and two Kittehs bring in blow up photos to put on easel. All Kittehs and Jack strain to examine picture.

Picture look like aerial photo of a lot of back gardens in neighbourhood.

“What is it?” says Kittehs.
“This be picture of Goggie missile installation within striking distance of Kittehland.”

There be many gasps from Kittehs all around. Six faint and fall on floor breaking two potted plants. Many put paws up to cover their eyes. We be in state of shock.

“We operates remote control model plane with the digital camera to takes these pictures,” says Bella. “Goggies are installing catapults capable of launching foul things into Kittehland.”

“What sort of - ” someone says weakly.

“Unspeakable things best left buried in the ground,” says Bella. “Now, I hands over to General Curtis le May Cat.”

General Curtis le May Cat be Chairman of Joint Kittehs of Staff. GCLMC takes over briefing.

“We believes the Goggies has developed GMLC – Goggie Missile Launch Capability in close proximity to Kittehland. There be approximately 400 Kittehs who are now vulnerable to attack.

Gasps and squeals all around. Cries of 'This cannot be!" and "Oh the Kittehmanity!" One Kitteh starts to leave to pack but is made to stay.

GCLMC wait for noise to die down. “Joint Kittehs believe there be only one action to take in face of provocation,” GCLMC say dramatically and pulls himself up to full height.

“What is action, General Curtis le May Cat?” we asks. "Tells us!"

“ATTACK!" says GCLMC. "ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!”

“Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack” murmurs Tabby Kittehs. Jellicle Kittehs generally more restrained and look uneasy.

“Are you advocating a First Strike, General?” says Ruby.

“Yes. I am. Those Goggies won’t know what hit them. I can gets my boys into surrounding trees in a tactical pattern within 12 hours - 18, tops.”

“How many of the missiles can be taken out?”says Ruby.
“We estimate 80% of missiles.”
“That still leaves 20% to get through,” says Ruby.
“Well we expect some collateral damage,” says GCLMC with hint of truculence.

“What do you think Goggies reaction will be? says cat named McNamara.
“Nothing,” says GCLMC.
“Nothing?! Don’t you think Goggies will be retaliating in other areas like Purr-lin?” says MacNamara cat.
“Pesky Goggies. This be our chance to deal with them once and for all,” says GCLMC.

Tabby Kittehs murmur approval.
“First strike is against ethics of Kittehland!” says Ruby.
Jellicle Kittehs murmur agreement.

“First Strike be only option in the view of Joint Kittehs,” says GCLMC. Tabbies nod in agreement.
Big noise as arguments and panics break outs. Generally Tabby Kittehs in favour of strike and Jellicles, against.

Someone taps glass patiently. Noise dies down as Kittehs realise old, respected ginger cat named Adelaide is tapping glass to gets attention. Noise dies down and all looks at him.

Adelaide say – “In this situation, Kitteh lore decree someone must act as Commander in Chief to make decision. If attack involve property owned by HUMANS (47 Kittehs roll their eyes) we must have human as Commander in Chief”.

Silence.

Jack is helping himself to fistful of mixed nuts and concentrating on picking out cashews from peanuts. In later oral history interviews we know Jack be thinking of the following at that exact moment: 1. Why don't we ever have the good jumbo cashews in the house? I work &^%$£*# hard enough. 2. Will I be able to collect my dry cleaning this afternoon? 3. I really ought to put my bed sheets in the wash today. 4. I ought to work harder on my screenplay. 5. I need to book a dentist appointment. They've sent me two reminders already. 6. Wait a minute. Why has it gone quiet?

Jack looks up.

47 white, ginger, tabby and jellicle heads v-e-r-y slowly turns to look at him.

Jack freezes.

“Oh crap,” he says.

to be continued........

Political Science (Part One) #6

2009-12-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

The new Kitteh Paradigm has made us discuss humans and their alleged use to the world. We approaches Jack while he watch sporting event on television during half time break. There is human custom of ‘sounding out’ ideas where you tells human something and waits for intelligent reply. We thinks this could takes years but decide to try anyway.

“Jack,” says Ruby. “We would like to talk to you about something and we would value your opinion”.

Bella and Smudgie start giggling. Ruby nudges us to be quiet.

“OK,” says Jack. “What would you like to discuss?”
“The history of human civilisation,” says Ruby.
Pause.
“During half time?” says Jack.
“It not a long topic,” says Bella. Ruby hushes her and continues. “We is wondering whether it would be a good idea for humans to basically – how shall I put this?”
“Give up,” says Bella.
“Consider your options,” says Ruby.

We tell Jack we has studied Human Race on interwebs and in books for evidence of meaningful achievement. Frankly – we is underwhelmed. Genocide, war, plague, persecution, bigotry, cruelty; then yes – full marks for all that but meaningful contribution to the planet – well, we is struggling.

“You HAS invented cellophane”, says Smudgie to show it not all one sided.

“Wait a minute”, says Jack. “We have produced Homer, Aristophanes, Milton, Shakespeare, Aristotle and Socrates.”
“Yes”, says Bella “but you has also produced Fox News”.
Pause.
“Well, OK", says Jack begrudgingly. “But where are you going with this?”

“Well,” says Ruby. “We thinks it is time you all considered letting someone else run the planet for awhile.”
“Who?” says Jack.
“ANYONE ELSE!” says Bella.
“But who?” says Jack and we just looks at him, waiting for him to gets it.
“Ohhhhh,” says Jack finally.
“Well,” says Jack, “consider that we are a species who think about progress”.
“YOU’RE A SPECIES WHO THINKS SCIENTOLOGY MAKES #^%$£(@ SENSE!” says Bella.

“So what is your plan exactly?” says Jack.
“We wants to take Kitteh Paradigm to B Obama (President). And United Nations.”
“And what is your message?” says Jack.
“JUST STOP!” says Bella.
“Our message” says Ruby “is:-
“Dear Humans – we understand that your leadership has the moral scruples of a shoebox full of head lice; that by your standards, Fred Flintstone is a gifted political thinker, that your idea of progress is to make lots of things you don’t need but have you considered the option of the Kitteh Paradigm? Make us Kittehs your –

“Overlords,” says Bella.

“Mentors,” continues Ruby "and think of the benefits".

“Sleep for 14 hours a day,” says Smudgie.
“Everyone stop fighting,” says Bella.
“Live with dignity and respects,” says Ruby.
“Find those peoples who are cruel to you and Kittehs -,” says Smudgie.
“And throw them off a skyscraper,” says Bella.
“Let the trees and forests grows back,” says Ruby.
“Be part of friendly community,” says Smudgie.
“Feed Z-list celebrities head first into a wood chipper,” says Bella.
“Observe Human and Animal Rights,” says Smudgie.
“Get helps if you is sick,” says Bella.
“Get special status if your job helps people and animals,” says Ruby.
“Make X factor a singing contest,” says Smudgie.

“14 hours sleep?” says Jack.

“Yes,” we say.

“A day?” says Jack.

“Yes,” we say.

Pause.

“When can you start?”

Kitteh Paradigm (#5)

2009-10-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

After Tunagate, Smudgie has been thinking about getting a job to fund a tuna mountain.

On Saturday, Jack is sitting watching TV. When he depressed, Jack likes to eats big sandwich. He was eating a sandwich with five layers of bread filled up with pastrami, ham, bacon, avocado, cheese, pickles and roast beef; ingesting enough cholesterol to stop baby elephant.

Smudgie approach Jack. Bella and Ruby follow to provide moral support. Smudgie tells Jack she very excited about finding perfect job.

“What is the job?” Jack says absently, trying to squash sandwich into his mouth without pickle ricocheting across the room like drive by shooting. “Is it telephone sales work?”

“No, says Smudgie. “Job be Secretary General of the United Nations.”

Jack starts to choke on pickle. We has to slap him on back. Pickle finally dislodges when Bella hits Jack on back of head with dinner tray. Sandwich collapses around Jack. He look dazed and not so much confused as concussed. Smudgie gives him sheet of paper which he reads out while holding his head. ‘The United Nations' stated aims are facilitating cooperation in international law, international security, economic development, social progress, human rights and the achieving of world peace”.

“I don’t understand,” says Jack.

“Jack,” says Smudgie, knowing once again that the obvious elude him, “Secretary General must nap ALL THE TIME!”

“Smudgie - ” says Jack.

“Smudgie can nap all the time too!” Smudgie says as if explaining the end of The Sixth Sense to particularly dense cousin. "Smudgie can have meetings when Smudgie napping. And Smudgie can delegate meetings to Bella and Ruby to nap through as well. This way we naps through THREE meetings for every ONE meeting human Secretary General nap through! The world finally sees that kittehs can achieve doing nothing three times more efficient than humans!”

“We not stop wars three times more than humans,” says Ruby.

“We do nothing about famine three times more efficiently,” says Bella.

“We let three dictators off hook for every one that human Secretary General do nothing about,” says Smudgie.

“I calls it - ” Smudgie pauses for dramatic effect with paws held up, “The Kitteh Paradigm.”

The what?” says Jack.

“The Kitteh Paradigm,” says Smudgie joyfully. “It be RADICAL concept.”

“Wait – wait,” says Jack looking very confused. “Don’t you even know what the UN mission statement is?”

“MONEY TALKS!” says Bella and starts skipping around the room.

“MONEY TALKS!” says Ruby and Smudgie and we too dance round room in excitement mode because we now thinking about Kitteh Paradigm and front cover of Time magazine and Nobel Peace Prize and tuna mountain”.

“Wait – wait – wait – “says Jack standing up in pool of pastrami and lettuce and corned beef and cheese looking like someone has batted him with big stick. “Time magazine??!! Nobel Peace Prize??!!! Where are you GETTING this from?!”

“Jack,” says happy smiling excited Smudgie waving tail like Buddy Rich on snare drum, “they gives Nobel Peace Prize to Henry Kissinger AND HE BOMBED CAMBODIA!”

“They give Nobel Prize to Barack Obama,” says Ruby “for NOT BEING GEORGE BUSH!”

“I THINK WE GET OSCAR TOO!!!” says Smudgie doing triple somersault off sofa.

“AND PULITZER PRIZE FOR DRAMA” says Ruby running up wall like Donald O’Connor.

“But you CAN’T get the Pulitzer Prize because you haven’t WRITTEN anything,” growls Jack in typical rain-on-my- parade Human Paradigm mode.

This stop all dancing.

Then Smudgie realises something. “We can in Kitteh Paradigm!”

And we all starts dance again around house thinking of Pulitzer Prize and Nobel Prize and Oscar acceptance speech.

"I'm going to make another sandwich." says Jack and trudges out of room.

And from far off in kitchen we hear Ruby say, “You loves me! You really loves me.”

Smudgie in Elysian Fields of Tuna (#4)

2009-08-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Jack has got a job. He started out doing something called temping and then they offered him a full time job. Smudgie asked Jack what a job is. Jack says a job is where someone gives you money to work for them and do things for them on the basis that you don’t tell them they are an idiot. If you do then you don’t have a job anymore.

Bella tells Jack he is always telling people they are idiots. Jack says he needs to stop doing that. Ruby asked Jack what his boss is like. Jack says he is an idiot.

Smudgie asks about money and in particular, its relation to tuna.

If you have money, says Jack, you can buy tuna depending on how much money you have and how much each tin of tuna costs. We all ask how much tuna costs and how much Jack can buy if he spends all his money on tuna. Ruby says, if you spend ALL the money you get in a month, can you buy say, TEN tins of tuna?
Yes, says Jack. IF I spent all my money I could buy ten tins.
Bella says - could you buy TWELVE tins of tuna?
Yes, says Jack.
Smudgie gets excited and says. could you buy TWENTY tins of tuna?
Jack says, if I spent ALL my money and didn't spend it on anything else like house payments or ANYTHING - I could probably buy 2,000 tins of tuna in a month.

World goes black.

Hear angels singing.

Hears Ceiling Cat say something about ambrosia. Sees soft focus vision of kitties skipping through sunny forest of flowers and butterflies and bunnies and fairies and unicorns. For a second the Unified Field Theory eluded A. Einstein for thirty years makes sense to Smudgie.

Bella, Ruby and Smudgie pass out.

One week later.

Jack comes home and calls VSM – Very Serious Meeting. Smudgie, Bella and Ruby sit on coffee table.
Jack says, I have had a phone call from my credit card company.
Oh-oh says Ruby. Bella elbows her in chest.

Hmmm, we say. How very interesting. You must tell us how this turns out. Well, we have a lot of things to do. We believes there are mice who won't catch themselves, you know. So if you will excuse us…
Freeze! Says Jack and so we have no option as according to the rules of VSM the party of the first part has to listen to the party of the second part even if the party of the second part looks like he about to have full blown psychotic episode.

There have been two ‘unusual transactions’ attempted on my card, says Jack.
That is very naughty, says Ruby. What do you mean 'attempted'?
I mean the card company called me before they authorised payment, says Jack.
Ummm what are the transactions? Says Bella.

The first, says Jack is for 2,000 tins of tuna -

Oh dear, says Smudgie.

And the second is for an electric can opener.

Oh dear says Ruby.

It seems, says Jack, the culprit - or culprits - liked tuna but didn’t have opposable thumbs.

Silence.

So, says Jack I think it is the last time I want to see anyone using my credit cards again. Is this understood?

Mumble, mumble, mumble we says, pawing the coffee table.

What? says Jack.

We are appalled, says Bella.

I is shocked, says Ruby.

I is appalled and shocked and hungry, says Smudgie.

Good. Thank you, says Jack.

Jack walks off.

Bella says to Ruby: "Have you still got the American Express application form?"

Ruby Surveys Great Tabby off Starboard Bow (#2)

2009-04-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Disaster! A great tabby has appeared at the bottom of the garden. She is not a metacat and so can't communicate with us.
Bella go up to Great Tabby and say - look here - this be our garden. Push off if you would be so kind. Great Tabby look serene and sit down. We confer. Is this takeover? Even Ruby who likes to stay in house and watch History programmes about old Romans leans out through stair railings to look at Great Tabby.
Great Tabby twice the size of Smudgie. Still - give him best hiss and Stare of Death but the big lump just look blank and sneezes.
Jack arrive and we think he will make short work of GT. However he STROKES him! No, we say you no STROKE him you big lump! You apply high pressure hosepipe to blow GT into high branches!

Perhaps he is lost, say Jack. He should get lost somewhere else we say. Don't feed him! we say. Don't feed him! Don't feed him! Don't feed him! Instruction simple enough even for human. Even for recruitment agent with IQ of concussed gerbil. Then Jack go and feed him! Smudgie head butt Jack but to no avail.

The things Smudgie has to put up with. Smudgie think world would be better place if humans just took orders from us without trying to think too much.

What Secret Knock? (#3)

2009-04-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

This be Bella. The Queen of All She Surveys. Smudgie likes history and history to Smudgie is this:
1. Nothing 2. Big Bang 3. Some things happened 4. Smudgie born.
But before there was Smudgie there was Ruby and before Ruby there was Bella. Bella was the first cat for Jack. Bella come to house as little kitty. Now she Queen of All etc. etc. She not a bad broad. Very Audrey Hepburn some time and Very Charles Manson other times. She told me the story of Kingdom of Cats of long ago time.
Bella is the Queen of the house. She is very elegant but not above taking swipe at intruders especially Great Tabby.
One day Jack see Great Tabby in garden and Bella staring at him through glass doors. Jack says, Great Tabby just wants to be friends. Bella says nothing but her claws come out one by one like Wolverine in X-Men. "Phoom! Phoom! Phoom! Phoom! Phoom!"
"Open the door, Jack", she says. Jack kneels down and says, "didn’t we talk about this, Bella?”
“Open the door, Jack,” Bella says “and also open a nice bottle of Chianti and a tin of fava beans.”
“Why don’t I open a can of tuna instead," say Jack.
A long pause.
Bella retracts claws and Jack gets tin opener.
Jack says they should use more tuna in the Middle East.

Smudgie Launches Blog (Blog #1)

2009-04-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hi there - my name is Smudgie and there are two things you should know about me. Firstly - I am adorable and secondly I am a cat. I live in a house with two other cats - Ruby and Bella - and our human, Jack. We have decided to think of him as – well - 'special'.

We have been through turmoil recently - Jack has been out of work and fretting about losing the house. He came to us and said - "You know there is a recession on?" "Hmmm", we say flicking through Vogue to laff at models who think they are graceful - because to us Naomi Campbell has all the grace of a sofa pushed off a tall cliff.

"Well - you know I am low on my savings and it's hard out there so I think we need to talk about economising". "What is economising, Jack?" we say. "Economising is where we have to cut down on our expenditure". "But we don't pay out no expenditure," we say. At this point his eye starts to tic. "Look," - he say - "you know how I get you cat food in square trays?" "Yes" - we say - "although three weeks ago you gave us chicken two servings in a row"."Anyway", say Jack –

“Two servings in a row – "

“Anyway," say Jack trying to control his tic by slapping his hand over it, "I was thinking -" "Yes?" we say thinking this is the start of a joke. "I was thinking - you never seem to actually finish off a tray of cat food. I mean you leave about a quarter of it to be thrown away."

"We leave some for Mr. Manners, Jack" we say pleasantly. "Well, here's the thing - if we buy pouches - they have a quarter less food in them AND they're cheaper."
We look at him blankly as if he is a chimpanzee trying to give out directions to the airport.
"They're a quarter less," he says slowly "and they're ... cheaper! So that's what I want to do."

Silence. And then we erupt in hilarity. This be funny. FUNNY!

We fall off sofa. We fall off chair. We hit ground with paws and roll about laffing. We slap each other with paws. We laff and laff and laff for 15 minutes.

Then realise he is being serious.

Silence.

“You mean .... LESS food?" we say.
"You're eating the same VOLUME of food but it is cheaper," he says. "But it's LESS food, Jack," we say. "Yes, technically it is less food but because you leave a quarter on the plate you'll be eating the same amount so everyone wins. See?"
"But it's still LESS food on the plate," we chorus wishing chimpanzee was here.
"LESS FOOD. Why would WE want to have LESS food, JACK?"
"Yes", says Ruby, "WHAT ABOUT MR FRIGGING MANNERS?!"
Jack get sheet of paper and draws diagrams on it with grafs and numbers and presents it to us. Bella looks at it and tears it up. "Just keep buying the trays, she says "and no one will get hurt".

End of discussion.

Bella wanders off muttering 'that boy not right in head."