Kittehs have basic needs – food, water, shelter and safety. This is what most humans spend their lives accumulating money for, why they are so stressed and why some of them end up standing on a roof, naked and screaming at airplanes.
We ask Jack, why don’t humans just look after each other? This causes Jack to hoot, ‘yes and then we can all sprout wings and fly to the moon’. Then he flaps his arms, makes sound like seagull and goes upstairs.
We think he may be working too hard.
In our meeting we discuss money making plan. We realise that we are dependent on Jack making 'money' for us to remain in the lifestyle we has become accustomed to. While Kittehs are content with the thought of humans BRINGING us things - we do not generally think of ourselves RELYING on them. As Bella points out, if we has to RELY on a human who has trouble every morning finding matching socks - we may have to become more self-reliant.
Bella points out that Jack, in his demented way, is right about one thing – you cannot make money based on human intelligence, altruism or taste. There are more humans who shouldn’t be allowed money than all the humans who shouldn’t be allowed cars, drink, children, leather pants and guns put together.
We know there is study material about how to create wealth. We look up Warren Buffet, Anthony Robbins, Wall Street Journal, Business Week etc. etc. etc. but in the end decide on watching Jack’s DVD collection of Sgt Bilko.
Three Days Later.
Saturday morning we are busy in our Global Communication Centre which was previously referred to as ‘Garden Shed’. We hear Jack calling out our names more and more frantically. We peek out of the little window and see him walking towards us with very serious expression and holding pamphlet in his hand. He seems blurry. For a minute we rub our eyes until we realise every part of him is shaking.
“Quick” says Bella – don’t let him in. We hurry outside and act nonchalant, leaning against GCC; chewing grass, examining our nails and flicking through copy of Scientific American.
Jack comes towards us – CLUMP – CLUMP – CLUMP. Blood has drained from his face.
“Do you know who just rang our door bell?” he says, trying to keep calm.
“Wait”, says Bella as she puts her paws up to the sides of her head. “I’ll just use my psychic powers”. Unfortunately irony lost on Jack.
“I’ll tell you who it was -”. And then he names a famous movie star.
We look at each other.
“Why did they call here?” Smudgie asks innocently.
“WHY?” says Jack. “WHY? I’ll tell you why! They were looking for an institution called – and he look at pamphlet – ‘The United Church of Kittehology’ “.
Jack stares at us.
“Hmmmmm.” we say, scratching our chins and looking thoughtful. “Wherever could that be?”
“It comes”, says Jack “from the Global Communication Cen –“
And then he stops. And stares at the garden shed.
“What were you doing in there?” he asks (a little impertinently if you ask me).
“Is our club house”, Smudgie says.
“Your club house?”
“Yes”, says Bella. “We wanted a place to hang out where we wouldn’t disturb you”.
“Yes”, says Ruby “we didn’t want to keep asking you if we could use your things”.
We realise afterwards that this was the wrong thing to say. We has NEVER asked Jack if we could use his things. In fact we consider everything OUR things which we let him use occasionally. He bought a laptop two weeks ago and when Smudgie said “Oh. You’ve bought me a laptop,” we had a difficult conversation about whether he had bought it to write his screenplay or so we could look up recipes for club sandwich using three layers of tuna.
Jack wanted to enter our ‘club house’. We protested that he was not a member and would have to go on two year waiting list or grow some fur. But despite our reasoned arguments, a few seconds later Jack and we are standing in the heart of the Global Communication Centre of the United Church of Kittehology.
Jack looks around him and then reads from pamphlet.
“The United Church of Kittehology –“ he begins.
“UCK” we chorus “for short.”
“- is an ancient order stretching back to the mysterious dawn of time -”
“Yes,” we say.
“How old is it, exactly?” Jack asks.
Smudgie frown and count on her claws v-e-r-y carefully.
“Three days.”
Jack closes his eyes and sways a little. He decides to struggle on while he can still process oxygen. He looks at pamphlet again and quotes from it.
" 'And the multi-layered, linear and non-linear history of Kittehology; the interconnecting rules of ethics, culture, cosmic development, physics and bio-technology; the spiritual multi-dimensional growth that has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years.' How did you find out all this information?"
We look at each other in silence. The breeze is gently rustling through the trees. Birdies are chirping far off. Tufts of dandelion float through the air and the dappled sunlight.
"We made it up." Smudgie says.
“Oh. My.God.” says Jack, “We are in SO much trouble.”
to be continued -
O,Oh, now the secret is out :) !
ReplyDelete* Watch out for black vans with Vatican number plates, Smudgie *
Deer Smujee, Belah an Roobee: Pls tu cawnvins Jak dat teh skreenpleh (wuttebbur dat bees) kin waet, an wut teh Whirrld reelee kneads bees teh publikayshun ob Teh SB&R Paypurrs!!!!11tee!! Ai betcha dat mennee MENNEE peepuls wud bying it, kiiping SB&R saeflee inn toonas, etc., wuts teh moast poartint fing. Mush lubs frum Nicewitch xxxoxxx
ReplyDeletehope all turned out well and no *strange vans* were seen lurking!
ReplyDeletetake care all