See Jack Run #14

Ruby, Bella and I have had a meeting about Jack. We are concerned about his health. He is overweight and diabetic (type II) and his attempts at exercise have been based on changing the batteries for the remote control. After months of debating, he finally bought running shoes but so far has not used them. Bella is concerned because she says he could ‘go at any minute’ and if that happens who will feed us? Bella wants to start hoarding food cans and buy electric can opener.

We has seen many programmes on day time TV about what happens to humans when they let themselves go. One programme showed a Boeing 747 struggling to take off before we realised it was a family from Mississippi walking single file on their way to an all you can eat Chinese food bar.

So we has formed Team Jack. I am Inspiration Coach, Ruby is Nutrition Coach and Bella is Fitness Coach.

First we ask Jack to weigh himself. We think human must weigh about three times the weight of kitteh. When Jack weighed in we thought he must have bought scale for weighing circus animals by mistake. He said, no. It was regular scale at which point Smudgie fainted. I had seen Carl Sagan documentary and knew there were stellar objects so dense that they cannot emit light but never thought I would see one in my bathroom in boxer shorts and American Eagle T shirt.

We made Jack buy blood glucose monitor and check his blood sugar. He very reluctant to prick himself to get blood so Bella help him out. She kept helping him out him even when he had enough blood and kept shouting out for his friend, Mr “Jesus H Christ” who strangely we has never met.

We make him take diabetic pills at right time every day. Why do humans find this so hard? It be like asking for explanation of electromagnetic interaction from drunk porcupine.

Ruby says Jack must eat better. Jack’s staple diet is sandwiches which he makes every 10 minutes while watching TV. Ruby says he should eat salad or vegetables every day and has to explain to Jack that he has to eat healthy food INSTEAD of bad food – NOT as well as.

Smudgie tell Jack to find a goal he will look forward to achieving and no, having pasta as a starter AND a main course does not count. Smudgie find Jack cannot get into 70% of his clothes. The clothes too small for him are much better than the more recent clothes he buys. Interesting fact about humans is that when they go overweight, many don’t think they deserve ‘good’ clothes and buy ‘temporary’ clothes they think they will stop wearing when they lose weight. Compare this to kittehs who ALWAYS think they deserve the best. Always. Smudgie picks out Calvin Klein suit which Jack can only get an arm into and tells him that his goal is to wear this.

Bella plan out exercise regime for Jack. We has to scale this down and explain to Bella, Jack’s ambition is to lose weight, not pass Navy SEALs induction programme. Bella rolls her eyes and agrees to cancel live ammo trials.

Bella make Jack put exercise clothes on and takes him out of front door. She points to where she wants him to walk to. Jack asks for binoculars and the number of a cab company. She gives him dirty look. Jack will start out by mainly walking and eventually doing very short runs. Ruby goes through food cupboards. Jack takes biscuits, crisps etc. and arranges them carefully in cardboard box. Bella waits for Jack to leave room and then throws box into bin outside.

Smudgie tell Jack when he tempted to eat something bad he must say to himself, ‘this is where I go wrong’ and not do bad thing.

Smudgie tell Jack we want him around in good health for a long time. Bella says yes because electric can opener so ^%$£(*&+ expensive.