Nom Nom Nom #10

As part of investigation about what it means to be human, I research spiritual journey humans always going on. But how to put kitteh in intellectual mindset of human? Is well known kittehs are sophisticated, elegant, intelligent, sincere, dignified etc. etc. etc. whereas humans still wear tie with plaid shirts. 

I ask Jack what I should do to become more spiritual. “Well”, he says “you could help other people less well off than you. Take an interest in different social and political issues. That would be a good way to put your life in perspective.”

I think about this carefully and decides to ignore him. I is feeling human already.

I explore the meaning of ‘me’ through noms. I take each lick of dolphin friendly tuna and think about the deep, wonderful mystery of being me. I soon get through tin of tuna but do not feels I have connected with my me-ness. This will take more noms and I sends Jack to the supermarket for more spiritual sustenance in form of tuna, herring, mackerel, cod, baked ham, smoked ham, roast beef, pilchards, sardines etc. etc. etc.

Ruby and Bella hear this and tell Jack THEY is on spiritual journey too which require smoked salmon as they is attaining higher level of spirituality. Jack not very impressed. He say they will have to settle with tuna level of consciousness before advancing to salmon level of consciousness. All this shopping means HE will have to stay on meatloaf level of consciousness until the end of the month.

Next, I find spiritual teacher of karmic release and the channelling of chakra alignments. I ask him what he did before he become spiritual counsellor. He say he was furniture upholsterer in Mumbai.

I tells him I is in a sea of spiritual restlessness trying to reach the centre of me. I must explore the meaning of being me and my me-ness.

“You is too close”, Swami says with the tears in his eyes.

“Aha,” I says. “You mean I is too close to the problem of not having enough time to think about my oneness and the holistic experience of being me. I must find a centre within myself to experience my inner spirit and the outer me and the inner me?“

“No," says Human Swami “I mean you are standing on my foot”.

“Ah, I am standing on the foot of the journey of spiritual enlightenment and must move up the leg of inner knowningness to the lap of contemplation.”

“No,” say swami. “You standing on my &^%$(+£ bunion! Get off me!”

I leave Swami hopping on his foot. He be crying he going back to upholstery so won’t have to deal with self-centered &^%$(*# loons.

Smudgie travels across ten gardens to sit under apple tree and meditate. I achieves trance state and receive spiritual messages from cosmos; “be who you are by being the who of you and the you of who”, one says. “Ask the question without answer to answer the question of the unanswered question,” says another. “Buy AT&T at $12.40,” says another.

A male tabby cat approaches Smudgie. “What you doing in my garden, little pussy cat?” I tells him I is on a journey of self discovery. “If you is on journey of self-macrame, you must comes with me into shed.” I don’t want to go into shed with tabby. Tabby advances on Smudgie and I REALLY start thinking about me.

Tabby takes another step. “I be removing your small problems away from you, little kitteh,” says tabby, like Sheer Khan in Jungle Book.

We hear rustling above us. Bella abseils into garden. She holding stiletto in her teeth and martial arts flying stars. She not be happy.

“Take another step and I be removing your small intestine away from you,” she says to tabby.

Tabby starts to say something and Bella throws metal star, removing 5 mm fur from top of Tabby’s head before sticking in tree behind him. Tabby faints. Bella removes star from tree and steps over tabby.

“Lets go home," Bella says “I thinks we has all had enough of this nonsense.”

I gets home. I have finished acting like human. Smudgie did not like experience at all. I almost contemplate taking a shower. Jack pours me fresh water and warm noms and puts fluffy, laundered blanket on my favourite sofa.

“You know, Smudgie,” he says. “My Daddy told me once, ‘in life - there are things that matter and things that don’t. The trick is to know which is which while you still have them’. Maybe that’s where you could start on a spiritual journey.”

I thinks about this as Smudgie dozes off after long day. I decides not all humans as stoopy as they look.