13 Days (Part I) # 7

Smudgie finally have permission to tell of events that happen in October. These now partially de-classified as previously thought to be too scarifying to tell.

One Saturday we had the biggest meeting EVER.

Smudgie given job of waking Jack up and bringing him downstairs without alarming him.

“Jack,” Smudgie says, ‘You have to come downstairs. We have ExCom meeting.”
“What?” mumbles Jack from under duvet.
“There be something very serious happening. Kitchen is full of meta cats”.

Jack turns over and mumbles something about pancakes. Smudgie waits patiently for human brain to slowly grasps situation after period spent dreaming about pancakes and syrup and strawberry jam and fresh coffee.

Sure enough after a minute, Jack suddenly sits up very startled.

“There’s what in my what now?!” says Jack.
“Cats,” Smudgie says pushing bathrobe to Jack.
“How many cats?” Jack asks, alarmed.
Smudgie thinks how to break this to him gently.
“More than two,” Smudgie says.

Pause.

“How many exactly?” says Jack.
“Forty-seven.”

Ten minutes later, Smudgie leads Jack downstairs to kitchen. There be forty seven meta cats seated around the table, window sills, kitchen counters in concentric semi-circles around Bella.

“Well, good MORNING,” says Bella to Jack. “We is SO glad you could join us. Everything ALRIGHT for you?”
“Well, actually - ” says Jack tentatively, “I would like to know how all these - ”
“Good, good,” says Bella. “Now lets get on.”

Bella gets pointer stick and taps at easel set up in kitchen where all can see. Waits for silence to fall across room. Jack pours out orange juice - glug glug glug - until he notices 47 kittehs looking at him with narrowed eyes. He stop pouring, says sorry and puts OJ down very carefully. Jack sits quietly in corner at kitchen counter trying to make sense of it all and somehow still wondering about pancakes. Smudgie sit next to him to give moral support.

“As you know,” Bella continues “there be many Goggies (dogs) in the surrounding neighbourhood. Historically, we has managed to maintain status quo between two sides. Goggies and Kittehs develop separately over the years. We Kittehs has developed culture, art, philosophy, political debate, a system of bi-cameral democratic processes and in same period, Goggies has learned how to use their genitalia as banjos.”

Nods all around.

“Now we has discovered THIS -”

Bella nods and two Kittehs bring in blow up photos to put on easel. All Kittehs and Jack strain to examine picture.


Picture look like aerial photo of a lot of back gardens in neighbourhood.

“What is it?” says Kittehs.
“This be picture of Goggie missile installation within striking distance of Kittehland.”


There be many gasps from Kittehs all around. Six faint and fall on floor breaking two potted plants. Many put paws up to cover their eyes. We be in state of shock.

“We operates remote control model plane with the digital camera to takes these pictures,” says Bella. “Goggies are installing catapults capable of launching foul things into Kittehland.”

“What sort of - ” someone says weakly.

“Unspeakable things best left buried in the ground,” says Bella. “Now, I hands over to General Curtis le May Cat.”

General Curtis le May Cat be Chairman of Joint Kittehs of Staff. GCLMC takes over briefing.

“We believes the Goggies has developed GMLC – Goggie Missile Launch Capability in close proximity to Kittehland. There be approximately 400 Kittehs who are now vulnerable to attack.

Gasps and squeals all around. Cries of 'This cannot be!" and "Oh the Kittehmanity!" One Kitteh starts to leave to pack but is made to stay.

GCLMC wait for noise to die down. “Joint Kittehs believe there be only one action to take in face of provocation,” GCLMC say dramatically and pulls himself up to full height.

“What is action, General Curtis le May Cat?” we asks. "Tells us!"

“ATTACK!" says GCLMC. "ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!”

“Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack” murmurs Tabby Kittehs. Jellicle Kittehs generally more restrained and look uneasy.

“Are you advocating a First Strike, General?” says Ruby.

“Yes. I am. Those Goggies won’t know what hit them. I can gets my boys into surrounding trees in a tactical pattern within 12 hours - 18, tops.”

“How many of the missiles can be taken out?”says Ruby.
“We estimate 80% of missiles.”
“That still leaves 20% to get through,” says Ruby.
“Well we expect some collateral damage,” says GCLMC with hint of truculence.

“What do you think Goggies reaction will be? says cat named McNamara.
“Nothing,” says GCLMC.
“Nothing?! Don’t you think Goggies will be retaliating in other areas like Purr-lin?” says MacNamara cat.
“Pesky Goggies. This be our chance to deal with them once and for all,” says GCLMC.

Tabby Kittehs murmur approval.
“First strike is against ethics of Kittehland!” says Ruby.
Jellicle Kittehs murmur agreement.

“First Strike be only option in the view of Joint Kittehs,” says GCLMC. Tabbies nod in agreement.
Big noise as arguments and panics break outs. Generally Tabby Kittehs in favour of strike and Jellicles, against.

Someone taps glass patiently. Noise dies down as Kittehs realise old, respected ginger cat named Adelaide is tapping glass to gets attention. Noise dies down and all looks at him.

Adelaide say – “In this situation, Kitteh lore decree someone must act as Commander in Chief to make decision. If attack involve property owned by HUMANS (47 Kittehs roll their eyes) we must have human as Commander in Chief”.

Silence.

Jack is helping himself to fistful of mixed nuts and concentrating on picking out cashews from peanuts. In later oral history interviews we know Jack be thinking of the following at that exact moment: 1. Why don't we ever have the good jumbo cashews in the house? I work &^%$£*# hard enough. 2. Will I be able to collect my dry cleaning this afternoon? 3. I really ought to put my bed sheets in the wash today. 4. I ought to work harder on my screenplay. 5. I need to book a dentist appointment. They've sent me two reminders already. 6. Wait a minute. Why has it gone quiet?

Jack looks up.

47 white, ginger, tabby and jellicle heads v-e-r-y slowly turns to look at him.

Jack freezes.

“Oh crap,” he says.


to be continued........