Kitteh Paradigm (#5)

After Tunagate, Smudgie has been thinking about getting a job to fund a tuna mountain.

On Saturday, Jack is sitting watching TV. When he depressed, Jack likes to eats big sandwich. He was eating a sandwich with five layers of bread filled up with pastrami, ham, bacon, avocado, cheese, pickles and roast beef; ingesting enough cholesterol to stop baby elephant.

Smudgie approach Jack. Bella and Ruby follow to provide moral support. Smudgie tells Jack she very excited about finding perfect job.

“What is the job?” Jack says absently, trying to squash sandwich into his mouth without pickle ricocheting across the room like drive by shooting. “Is it telephone sales work?”

“No, says Smudgie. “Job be Secretary General of the United Nations.”

Jack starts to choke on pickle. We has to slap him on back. Pickle finally dislodges when Bella hits Jack on back of head with dinner tray. Sandwich collapses around Jack. He look dazed and not so much confused as concussed. Smudgie gives him sheet of paper which he reads out while holding his head. ‘The United Nations' stated aims are facilitating cooperation in international law, international security, economic development, social progress, human rights and the achieving of world peace”.

“I don’t understand,” says Jack.

“Jack,” says Smudgie, knowing once again that the obvious elude him, “Secretary General must nap ALL THE TIME!”

“Smudgie - ” says Jack.

“Smudgie can nap all the time too!” Smudgie says as if explaining the end of The Sixth Sense to particularly dense cousin. "Smudgie can have meetings when Smudgie napping. And Smudgie can delegate meetings to Bella and Ruby to nap through as well. This way we naps through THREE meetings for every ONE meeting human Secretary General nap through! The world finally sees that kittehs can achieve doing nothing three times more efficient than humans!”

“We not stop wars three times more than humans,” says Ruby.

“We do nothing about famine three times more efficiently,” says Bella.

“We let three dictators off hook for every one that human Secretary General do nothing about,” says Smudgie.

“I calls it - ” Smudgie pauses for dramatic effect with paws held up, “The Kitteh Paradigm.”

The what?” says Jack.

“The Kitteh Paradigm,” says Smudgie joyfully. “It be RADICAL concept.”

“Wait – wait,” says Jack looking very confused. “Don’t you even know what the UN mission statement is?”

“MONEY TALKS!” says Bella and starts skipping around the room.

“MONEY TALKS!” says Ruby and Smudgie and we too dance round room in excitement mode because we now thinking about Kitteh Paradigm and front cover of Time magazine and Nobel Peace Prize and tuna mountain”.

“Wait – wait – wait – “says Jack standing up in pool of pastrami and lettuce and corned beef and cheese looking like someone has batted him with big stick. “Time magazine??!! Nobel Peace Prize??!!! Where are you GETTING this from?!”

“Jack,” says happy smiling excited Smudgie waving tail like Buddy Rich on snare drum, “they gives Nobel Peace Prize to Henry Kissinger AND HE BOMBED CAMBODIA!”

“They give Nobel Prize to Barack Obama,” says Ruby “for NOT BEING GEORGE BUSH!”

“I THINK WE GET OSCAR TOO!!!” says Smudgie doing triple somersault off sofa.

“AND PULITZER PRIZE FOR DRAMA” says Ruby running up wall like Donald O’Connor.

“But you CAN’T get the Pulitzer Prize because you haven’t WRITTEN anything,” growls Jack in typical rain-on-my- parade Human Paradigm mode.

This stop all dancing.

Then Smudgie realises something. “We can in Kitteh Paradigm!”

And we all starts dance again around house thinking of Pulitzer Prize and Nobel Prize and Oscar acceptance speech.

"I'm going to make another sandwich." says Jack and trudges out of room.

And from far off in kitchen we hear Ruby say, “You loves me! You really loves me.”